


The Sum of His Fears

by lokivsanubis



Series: Bingo Entries 2019 [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, BBB 2019, Bucky Barnes Bingo 2019, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Nightmares, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Character Death, Evil Steve Rogers, Evil Tony Stark, M/M, Magic, Multi, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2020-01-11 09:29:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18427778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lokivsanubis/pseuds/lokivsanubis
Summary: Prompt - Nightmares Spot C1The Sum of His Fears : BBB C1- NightmaresVery few things filled Bucky’s heart with dread and paralyzed him with fear. But this… this did…--





	The Sum of His Fears

The Sum of His Fears : BBB C1- Nightmares

 

Very few things filled Bucky’s heart with dread and paralyized him with fear. But this… this did…

 

\--

 

_ I am a weapon. Weapons do not feel. Weapons have no need for thoughts, memories or feelings. I am you and we are a weapon.  _

 

Bucky hated when this happened, when the programming wormed its way to the surface and tried to take over again. He had to open his eyes and call out to Friday. That’s what he had to do. 

 

He opens his eyes and moved to speak only to realize that familiar mouthpiece is in his mouth. He looks down and his arms are bound and he’s in that god forsaken chair. Immediately he goes to stand to pull up to try and escape. 

 

“Ah ah, now what has gotten into you?” A familiar voice called out to him. He looks up and standing there with a HYDRA red star on the left breast pocket of his lab coat was Tony. “You know the procedure after a mission.” He says in this knowing way as he makes his way over. “If you knock around your restrains I’ll have to make sure they’re twice as tight next time.” 

 

Bucky’s eyes widened as Tony approached and looked at the bindings.

 

“Hmm.. They appear secure. Prepare to administer stage one.” He said stepping back and moving behind a control dial. “Don’t drop your mouthpiece.” he says before flipping a switch. 

 

Bucky screamed at the familiar mind numbing pain as it ignites his nerves on fire and scrambles everything. 

 

_ I am a weapon. Weapons do not feel. Weapons have no need for thoughts, memories or feelings. I am you and we are a weapon.  We are The Mechanic’s greatest creation. We are The Captain’s left hand. We are the left hand of HYDRA.  _

 

“He has been acting strangely. He hasn’t tried to escape his binding in years. Captain, there may be a bug in his programming.” It sounded like Tony. 

 

“You are the mechanic. I expect him to be ready for the next mission by tomorrow. Taking North America was not an easy task as you know.” Steve’s voice sounded clipped and impatient. “I need him ready for our advancement tomorrow.” 

 

“Of course he’ll be ready.” Tony’s voice sounded equally as annoyed as Steve’s. “His recovery period is short. It’s been accelerated to a mere 12 hours in cryostasis. Your dearest soldier will be ready by the time you depart tomorrow.” 

 

“That’s what I want to hear.” Steve’s voice speaks as the sound of boots walking away is heard. 

 

Bucky wants to open his eyes but can’t being himself too. Why does it feel like he’s crying if he’s frozen? He feels so cold. He feels lifeless.

 

_ I am a weapon. Weapons do not feel. Weapons have no need for thoughts, memories or feelings. I am you and we are a weapon. We are The Mechanic’s greatest creation. We are The Captain’s left hand. We are the left hand of HYDRA. We murdered all the Avengers.  _

 

Bucky opens his eyes and looks upon the broken and bloodied bodies across the ground. He wanted to collapse to his knees and scream. Wanted to take the rifle in his hands and put it against his own skull. Wanted to lay there with them. How? 

 

“So ruthlessly efficient.” Tony’s voice spoke from behind him. “Honestly… you make achieving our objectives so much easier. Turn around.” 

 

Bucky stood rifle still in hand unable to do anything more than face the man he thought he knew. 

 

Tony stood dressed in the standard HYDRA military commander’s uniform with that horrible red star over the left breast plate. “I’m so proud of you Soldier.” He praised holding the familiar red folio in his hands. “You listen so superbly.” He then pulled out a cigarette and lit it. “We should head back to meet up with the Captain. I can’t wait to give him a progress report. You’re performing so much better than we expected you too.” 

 

Bucky wanted to look back on the broken bodies of his comrades, Sam, Wanda, Natasha and Clint all riddled with bullet holes. Bullets fired from the rifle in his arms. He didn’t even want to look at where Vision lay in pieces ripped apart no doubt by his slightly dented metal arm.  He had done this. He had done all this. 

 

Bucky comes to again strapped to that metal chair with Tony presenting him with that familiar gag. 

 

“Bite.” Tony says holding the gag to his lips. 

 

Bucky obediently takes it but wishes he couldn’t. 

 

“Prepare Stage One.” Tony called backing away from Bucky. 

 

Bucky screamed and he screamed and he screamed. 

 

_ I am a weapon. Weapons do not feel. Weapons have no need for thoughts, memories or feelings. I am you and we are a wea- _

 

He moved his arms and snaps his restraints. Suddenly the firm metal felt soft against his skin. He thrashed his metal arm free and felt it come into contact with someone. 

 

“FUCK!” it sounded like they fell backwards onto the floor with a crash. 

 

“BUCKY STOP!” It sounded like Tony or was it that Mechanic. 

 

He was going to shock him again. He was going to get erased again. He was going to be used to murder again. He was going to become a weapon with no soul again. 

 

_ I am a weapon. Weapons do not feel. Weapons have no need for thoughts, memories or feelings. I am you-  _

 

“NO YOU’RE NOT!” He screamed gag suddenly gone from his mouth. His tongue felt swollen and he was breathing far too quickly. He crouched forward head protectively held in his hands. “DON’T-” Swiped hard with his left arm when he felt someone approach him. 

 

“Steve back up.” Tony said as the sound of two people backing away is heard. “Bucky. It’s alright it was just a dream.” 

 

An alarm blared to life overhead.

 

Bucky remember in the past what happened when he injuried a handler. If he had struck The Captain his punishment would be worse. If he’d hurt Steve or Tony he was nothing but a monster. The murder machine they wanted. Is that what they wanted from him?

 

“Steve don’t let them in here or someone will really get hurt. I’ll try and talk him down.” 

 

“Bucky Baby it’s okay.” Tony’s voice carries from the right. He wasn’t moving but speaking in a calming voice. He feels Tony attempt and approach and swipes at him.

 

He is not going back to the chair. He won’t be erased again. 

 

He feels a sting in his neck and feels himself hit the ground. Still his eyes are closed. He prays death takes him. He can’t be erased again. Not even for Steve and Tony.

 

_ I am a weapon. Weapons do not feel. Weapons have no need for thoughts, memories or feelings. I am-  _

 

“They used a tranquilizer strong enough to take out an elephant, Steve.” Tong voice sounded concerned. “We should take the binding off…” 

 

One of Bucky’s fingers twitched. He felt the smooth metal against his flesh wrist. 

 

“I don’t like it anymore than you do.” Steve replied, “but it was better than if they used a live round.” 

 

Hesitant fingers stroke over the back of Bucky’s metal arm. He signed at the familiarity of these calloused hands. It was Tony. 

 

“ Stephan thinks he removed the last of it. That spell the witch cast. He should be fine now.” Tony touches the twitching fingers. 

 

“Babe, you had a nightmare can you open your eyes?” Tony asked gentle hands brush over Bucky’s forehead. 

 

Bucky is afraid to open his eyes. What if they’re back in that place? What if Tony has that horrible gag and that red star on his breast pocket? 

 

“James?” Tony called using Bucky’s real name. “ Come on open your eyes.” 

 

_ I am a weapon. Weapons do not feel. Weapons have no need for thoughts, memories or feelings. _

 

“Buck, can you open your eyes?” It was Steve he knew it was Steve. His Stevie that had once been 90 lbs soaking wet with a heart three times the size of his thin chest. 

 

But what if it was The Captain? Bucky had only heard  his voice. Too afraid to see Steve wearing that red star. It had been hard enough seeing it over Tony’s heart. Seeing that cold unfeeling hardness in Tony’s eyes as they looked upon their friends’ bodies riddled with bullets. 

 

He reaches deep inside himself. Eyes still sealed shut. He lets out a strained sigh and speaks with a voice stronger than it should be. A voice the soldier would never use. “Я не оружие.” 

“You awake Buck?” Steve’s voice sounds closer than before. He seems to be hovering on Bucky’s left side. 

 

Tony takes Bucky’s flesh hand in his. Bucky runs his fingers along Tony’s palm. The hands feel like Tony’s, calloused and warm. Trusting Bucky not to crash his delicate fingers in his superhuman grip. Always so trusting. 

 

The Mechanic had never touched him. 

 

“Я не оружие.” He repeated feeling like he had swallowed a glass of hot sand. He licked his lips feeling like they were incredibly dry. Why had they stuffed cotton into his mouth? 

 

“If you can open your eyes, I’ll give you some ice chips.” Tony said gently brushing his free hand against Bucky’s forehead. “Come on Babe open your eyes and look at us. The nightmare is over.” 

 

_ I am not a weapon. Я не оружие. I am not a weapon. Я не оружие. Я оружие. I am a weapon. He... Я не оружие. I am not a weapon.  _

 

Slowly sky blue eyes open to a dimly lit medical room with white walls and the crisp white sheets of a hospital bed. He stares forward through a curtain of his long brown hair. Slowly his eyes trace to his right. 

 

Tony is dressed in a worn black shirt, that Bucky could swear was his. No red star to be seen. His hair is combed but clearly disheveled and his eyes. Those brown eyes look at him with a mix of relief and concern. Nothing like the cold feelingless eyes of the Mechanic. 

 

“Hey Babe.” Tony said again a smile coming to his face. “It’s good to have you back.”

 

“Я не оружие.” Bucky said looking down at the straint that kept his flesh hand attached to the hospital bed. 

 

“Вы не оружие. Ты моя любимая.” Tony replied tightening his fingers on Bucky’s. “No one will ever make you a weapon again. We promised you that.”  Tony motioned to Bucky’s left. 

 

“Вы наш любовник. Вы не оружие.” Steve echoed Tony’s words in a gentle tone. “We love you Bucky.” 

 

“You used me to do horrible things.” Bucky choked out the ability to speak English returning to him. “You… the chair…” He tried to pull his hand away from Tony but the restrain let out a groan. 

 

“It was a dream Buck. A fucked up magic induced nightmare.” Tony tried to explain. “I would never... “ He slowly removed his hand from Bucky’s. “I’d never do that to you.” 

 

Bucky felt the pain in Tony’s voice as it  squeezed his heart. “I…” He quietly pulled his arms around himself. 

 

Steve finally walked into view. He sat down on the left side of the bed keeping one eye on Bucky’s metal arm and the other on Bucky. He had a healing shiner on the side of his face. Bucky had clearly gotten a good hit in earlier.    
  
“I injured The Captain.” He mumbled feeling memories or was it the nightmare surfacing. 

 

“You’ve never called me that.” Steve said looking Bucky directly in the eyes. “Buck, do you know my name?” 

 

Bucky felt his mouth filled with cotton and his throat becoming even more parched. “Don’t send me back to the chair.” He felt himself pull against the restraints. The monitor on his left was beginning to beep erratically. 

 

“Bucky calm down.” Tony said coming forward. “I’m going to release your restraint because I trust you.” Tony began talking a mile a minute as he undid the restraints. 

 

With his arms free Bucky drew his legs up to his chest and held them. He wasn’t sure what was going to happen here. He was scared. 

 

_ We are a weapon. Weapons do not have feelings.  _

 

The soldier’s voice teased just below the surface. 

 

Bucky shook his head and buried his face in his knees. 

 

Tony slowly moved onto the bed and slowly tipped Bucky so his head was resting over Tony’s heart. “That trick sure did a number on you didn’t it?” He said petting Bucky’s hair and kissing his sweaty brow. “It’s alright Bucky. We’ll be here.”    
  


Steve leaned forward pressing his forehead against Bucky’s shoulder. “Yeah, take all the time you need to remember. We’re here till the end of the line.” 

 

Bucky merely nodded his head feeling tears slide down his cheeks. 

 

_ I am not a weapon. I am a human with feelings, memories and  my own thoughts. I am not a weapon. I am James Buchanan Barnes. I’m in love with Anthony Edward Stark and Steven Grant Rogers. I am human. I am not a weapon. _ __   
  


 Bucky began that phrase like a mantra holding onto it trying to push the last of that nightmare away. Trying to remember the peace he had felt in his own skin. Trying to remember what it was like to be loved by the two most important people in his life. 

 

Bucky hated nightmares. Hated when his mind got mixed up. Hated the dark shadows his past could cast on his bright and promising future. 


End file.
